The Talk

I do everything I can to tell my daughter the truth when she asks me a question. If I don’t know the answer, I admit that I don’t know it, but I offer to look up the answer with her so that we can both find out. When I do know the answer, but the whole truth is way beyond her 6-year old mind, I do everything I can to explain it in a way that she can relate to. I had one of those moments about a month ago.

It started off like any other night. We were getting the house decorated for Christmas, T was hanging up the lights outside. Unbeknownst to me, while they were outside, Peanut looked at T with disdain and said, “My mom told you about the baby before she told me.” T’s reaction went along the lines of, “Well, yeah. It takes a mom and a dad to make the baby, so she told me before she told anyone else.” Conversation over, Peanut seemingly satisfied with that answer. Now, she’s already known that it takes a mom and dad to make a baby. Yes, I understand there are other types of families and we talk about those openly and without judgment in our home too. For the sake of simplicity, though, it takes a man and a woman to make a baby. Dinnertime came and went without incident. So did her nightly shower.

Then, as we were sitting on the couch, her hair still wet from her shower, trying to settle down before she had to go to bed, she hit me with it. The conversation went something like this:

Peanut: Mom, I have to ask you a question, but I really don’t want to say it.

Me: Babe, you can ask me anything. Go ahead.

P: No, I can’t. But I really want to know.

M: What is it?

P: Okay. I’m going to ask, but I’m going to say it really fast and I’m going to whisper it in your ear.

(rapid fire speaking) How did you and T make the baby?

M: (dumbfounded and scrambling for words) You really want to know?

P: Yes, I really want to know.

M: (stalling for as long as I can) It’s really gross. Are you sure you want to know?

P: Yes, I want to know. How did you make the baby?

M: Okay, but I warned you it was gross……………………………………………. We got naked and we wrestled.

P: T saw you naked?!!!!!???!!?

M: Yup, I told you it was gross.

P: When did this happen?

M: After we came home from vacation in August.

P: And you waited that long to tell me????!!!!??!?!?

M: Babe, you don’t always know right after you *cough* wrestle that you made the baby. Sometimes it doesn’t work like that right away.

*At this point, she is satisfied with the answer and I am absolutely mortified that I just had the simplified sex talk with my 6-year old. Kill me now. But it gets better. Of course it does. She’s 6!*

M: Okay, time to brush your teeth and go to bed.

P: (as we’re walking to the bathroom) Have you ever naked wrestled with anyone else?

M: Umm, *cough* *choke* *scream inside my head* well, you’re here, so obviously your dad.

P: T is my dad??????!!!?!?!?!

M: No! Your dad and I *pause to swallow own vomit* naked wrestled *swallow vomit again* once.

P: Mom, if you’re gonna do that with someone you should marry them. You should have married my dad.

M: Babe, your dad and I were not supposed to get married. I married the person I was supposed to marry and Daddy is going to marry the person he is supposed to marry. But you’re here and that’s the important part. Now brush your teeth and go to bed.

*End scene.*

This was over a month ago and I am still completely mortified by the conversation. Luckily, it hasn’t come up again. However, I did try to bait her into embarrassing T as much as she embarrassed me the next night. (Keep in mind, he was on the computer with head phones on through the entire above conversation, so I was on my own for that.) The next night we sat down at dinner, I looked at her, I looked at him, and I said, “Babe, remember what we talked about last night? Do you have anymore questions now that T and I are both here to answer them?” P: “Nope, I’m good.”

Of course you are, kid. Of course you are.

So, if your 6-year old asks you where babies come from and you know he/she isn’t ready to hear the real answer but you’re not willing to lie about storks and magical pixie dust, feel free to steal my naked wrestling answer. I’ll be over in the corner still in the fetal position. LOL.

Have a great night. I hope you got a laugh out of this one.

-C

Author: Candice

I am a wife, mom of 1 1/2 (it'll officially be 2 in May), part time waitress, avid reader, and an unpaid comedian, chauffeur, cook, maid, therapist, and cuddler. I love my family more than anything and as scared as I am to start over on this whole mom gig, I'm so excited to do it again.

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